McCrudden On The Prowl

2008-11-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

I kid you not. Hilary Clinton, candidate for President of the United States, has an advantage over rivals. With the help of a 'psychic adviser' she held conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt and Mahatma Gandhi – two savvy politicos when they were alive all those years ago. By getting the drum direct from these two she trumped Reagan's wife who only consulted astrologers about the best time to launch political initiatives, and get horoscopes for Gorbachev and Co. It is not surprising that voter turn-outs are so low, what is surprising is that anyone votes at all.

With a sharpness usually only found in Junk Bond dealers, the Green Party have invented the variable donation. In letters to True Believers, Greens urge them to LEND the money for the election campaign. The letters say if the Greens candidate gets more than 4% of the vote the lender gets his money back, (paid by the taxpayer). What's more, since it was just a loan, not a donation, it does not have to be declared. “This ritual purification of any naughty donations is what I have been looking for years,” said Roger Bonkers, aspiring politician, smacking his lips, “I predict everyone will be doing it - I am.”

This day in history. In 1896 London was relieved to hear of the death of Jack the Gripper. Operating at night in the dismal London fogs, he would prowl the dark streets and wait for a lone male, usually one going home from a pub. He would stop him by asking for a match. When the unsuspecting man reached into his pocket, Jack the Gripper would strike low and hard with a clutch described as powerful as a Spear and Jackson vice. He would laugh insanely before disappearing into the foul London air. His end came when he struck at Emilio Caractacus, a castrati then performing at the London Hippodrome singing Pergolesi's “Stabat Mater”. Caractacus gave a scream in A# over top C which apparently shattered Jack the Gripper's eardrums and caused him to become disoriented. He then blundered into the path of a steamroller being illegally driven without a lantern.

Broulee. (Noun, common, brow – lee). The look given by a man, after being given detailed traffic directions, that shows (a)he is plastered, (b) hasn't understood a word, and (c) is unaware that he has a huge dark spot on his pants. “Mr. Darcy paused and noticed the broulee spreading on Wickham's face. With an impatient gesture, he whacked him with his cane.” (Pride and Prejudice – chapter 7)

Staff of 'Celebrity!', a glossy for royalty, T.V. starlets, and famine-struck models, are wondering what to make of the discovery that one of the articles they wrote was actually true. Though the editor scoffed it wouldn't happen again in a thousand years, journalists are not so sure. The science correspondent gave as his opinion, “If you get four monkeys spaced on acid, and give them typewriters, they will eventually come up with an article that could go straight into the National Enquirer.” Another said, “And it doesn't have to be monkeys. I once wrote an article that an anonymous close friend of Vladimir Putin was distressed by Vladimir's fondness for Russian Roulette. And incredibly it was true. He did have a close friend. Believe me, this could happen again.”

2008-11-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

Everyone is as thrilled as a kid on a roller coaster, about President Elect Obama. Well that's probably not true, if you judge by the personal vote he didn't get. Nearly half are as thrilled as a greenie at a chain saw convention. It is not well known, probably because it is totally untrue, but President elect Obama has close ties with our lovely Shoalhaven. and in a spirit of hands across the ocean he gave Shoalhaven FM his first radio interview since becoming president elect. He speaks now to our Charles Kaltenbrunner.

Charles : Congratulations Senator on your win.
Obama: Thank you I am very humbled by this event.
Charles : Not you too?
Obama I'm sorry I don't follow you
Charles : It's not important. My heart has just restarted on its own accord. Senator we have very little time and I would just like to go straight to questions of significance.
Obama I'm not sure I like this. Most interviewers crawl to me. Do you know who I am?
Charles : Yes, Senator. I'll do it too. Don't worry. Now my first question is, When will you bring the troops home from Iraq.
Obama In the fullness of time.
Charles : I see. And when will you attack the terrible credit shortage?
Obama At the appropriate moment.
Charles : And when will you have a cup of coffee with the terrorist organisation Hamas?
Obama When the time is ripe.
Charles : And when will you give the American public who are losing their homes the financial assistance you promised?
Obama When the funding permits.
Charles : And when will you fly to North Korea and Iran?
Obama That is in the pipeline now.
Charles : And how soon do you expect to catch Osama Bin Laden.
Obama Well, you know, this actually depends on circumstances beyond our control
Charles : And when will you give a straight answer to a straight question?
Obama Never.
Charles : Now, you did make many promises.............
CUT HERE AND STRAIGHT INTO SONG; #4
I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN LYNNE ANDERSON
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=IdSnwufjKtc&feature=related

Prowl News September 8 2008

2008-10-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

Baghdad Boys High, Year 8.
Maths.Q1.Without firing your machine gun into the air, show why the square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.(10 Marks)
Q2. If an AK47 bullet travels at 840m/sec, how long would it take to hit a woman who is running for cover at 6m/sec?Why would she not hear the bullet?(15 Marks)
Civics. Q1 If an election result disappoints you, examine the relative merits of torching a library, or exploding a bomb in a market place. You are not limited to the options given here. (10 Marks)
Q2. If a man's team has won a soccer match, examine the rule of etiquette that requires him to hang on the side of a truck being driven down crowded streets at night while cheering and brandishing a side arm? (10 Marks)
Economics. Q1. In one and a half pages (excluding graphs) explain why even the poorest and most drought stricken countries still find the money for arms and ammunition, and can support a very large army and police force. (25 marks)

It is not well known that the concept of franchising began in Victoria, Australia, in 1843 when businesswoman, Amanda Love, began servicing the wheat and barley industry with her 'Jack the Reaper' harvesting business. Her advertisement was noticed by Basil Twit, a press agent, whose client was a psychopath specialising in murdering and disemboweling prostitutes, but whose press coverage was lamentable, as the country was engrossed in sporting results. He began planting stories about 'Jack the Ripper' borrowing and altering Amanda Love's creation, and made his client a figure of national interest. The two fell out over a dispute concerning expenses and Twit threatened to write a letter to The Times. For some unexplained reason Twit simply disappeared and the letter was never published. (History of Victoria, Charles Manson, Vol 3, 1898)

Useful tip from Mrs. Greta Garbo– this time in verse -
Those who abide in glass houses,
Should think when removing their trousers.

And Paris Milton writes; “I met this incredible guy. He finished school and everything, and knows nearly everything in the world. He said I was just like Helen of Troy. He said her face launched a thousand ships. I couldn't ask questions at a time like that, you know? But what I really want to know is, did he mean that sailors fancied Helen and she fancied them? Please don't say yes.” No.

Mugabe Interview

2008-10-24T15:55:00.001-07:00

Over now to Charles Kaltenbrunner. He is interviewing Mr. Mugabe. The President of Rhodesia

Kaltenbrunner: Congratulations, Mr. President, on being re-elected.
Mr. Mugabe: Thank you. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Mostly blood.
Kaltenbrunner: You look very well for having gone through that.
Mr. Mugabe: Oh. It wasn't my blood, sweat, and tears, it was the opposition's.
Kaltenbrunner: Yes I hear that one prominent opposition member was murdered.
Mr. Mugabe: No. it was suicide. I know. I was there.
Kaltenbrunner: You were there at a suicide?
Mr. Mugabe: Yes, I walked there into his office and there he was with a Kalishnikov at his head.
Kaltenbrunner: A kalishnakov? But that's a machine gun. How did he possibly put that to his head?
Mr. Mugabe: Oh, he managed somehow.
Kaltenbrunner: Go on.
Mr. Mugabe: Anyway. I called out. Don't do that, you mad bugger.
Kaltenbrunner: What did he say?
Mr. Mugabe: Nothing. He just pulled the trigger. Shot himself 6 times in the head, twice in the leg, and several bruises to the belly.
Kaltenbrunner: Bruises? From a machine gun?
Mr. Mugabe: Must have been the recoil.
Kaltenbrunner: A tragedy.
Mr. Mugabe: Not really, no. Not for voters. It meant voters had a clear choice between somebody who is dead and somebody who is living.
Kaltenbrunner: I meant for him,
Mr. Mugabe: No, not really. No. You see, depressed people like that have nothing to live for anyway. He's happy now. That's what the Bible tells us, you know. Did you know I have had theological training? I know the Bible backwards.
Kaltenbrunner: Yes I suspected as much. I must say, Mr President, this is a lovely office you have. All chairs have lovely tapestry seat covers.
Mr. Mugabe: Yes, he left me them in his will. It was an oral will. His last words really. I regard them as a sacred trust.
Kaltenbrunner: I see. But isn't it usual to have leather seats?
Mr. Mugabe: Yes. But I find leather just sticks to the arse.
Kaltenbrunner: Indeed. Perhaps we should look at your economy.
Mr. Mugabe: I'm very proud of it. There's no economy like it anywhere on earth you know.
Kaltenbrunner: I'm sure that's the case. Doesn't inflation running at 2 million per cent bother you?
Mr. Mugabe: No. Of course not. Can't you see? With 1 million Zimbabwean dollars equal to 115 American dollars nearly everybody in Zimbable is a millionaire.
Kaltenbrunner: The west doesn't see it like that
Mr. Mugabe: The west, the west. Can the west attract millions of tons of food relief a week?? Is anyone sending food parcels to Australia or England or the U.S.??
Kaltenbrunner: That's an unusual point of view.
Mr. Mugabe: I'm an unusual man.
Kaltenbrunner: Yes. I'm sure you are. Thank you Mr. President.